im back in singapore

not sounding exactly very enthusiastic....but...alas....
im back,,,,,
its been a few days liao.....
starting to get used to life here again...
being alone......
i expected it.....
but dint know it wld hit me so badly....
but alas....im getting used to it liao....
it will onli make me stronger...rite??....
life is good....my job sucked initially...but its getting good too...
everything will get better....
i miss e manchester peeps...
but everyone seem to b getting on with life...
everyone except me...
guess no one will understand how hard it is for me to get over everything....
its juz tt....
when i broke up wif monkey...i had e manchester peeps....
when they're gone..
i thot i have my job to look forward to....
my job sucks.....
though its getting better...but yesterday was damn stressful...
but its getting better...
i miss having fwens around....not tt no one's arn...its juz tt...
with e curfew i still have...i cant go out much anymore.....

apart from weekends, which i shld b spending wif my family....

i end work at 6...i have a curfew..so i have to reach home early....wad can i do within tt few hours man....feel so fucking lonely at home....when no one's home...its even worse...
stay at home and stone...dun even have mood to go youtube...

i miss them so much....worse still be4 i left...we were meeting like everyday, apart from sleep and going for paper...they were always arn...

i feel like shit.....i miss manchester so much....

yesterday i finally broke down.....after all tt stress from work...and e sadness from monkey n fwens....
called monkey..at least he was there for me....he's always there for me....i dunno wad will happen to me if he ever gets another gf....
at least im not meeting him nor toking much to him....wun b so hard to get over him....i thot once i came back, he wld start finding me everyday, and i wld go to him everyday, until i may end up patching wif him...but thankfully, tts not happening....he said he wanted to come to pass me the pork...but i told him next week...so...it wun b so easy for me to fall into his warm arms...i wanna survive this...i wanna emerge strong...i dun need a guy....not at all...

i wanna get over everything...i wanna move on with life....and i will...work shall evolve into my life...i dun need anybody...dun need anybody except myself and my family....the onli stable pillar left in my life...is my family....that pillar never collapses and i always have them to look out for me and catch me be4 i fall down deep into the abyss....

jingjing wants to meet me....im very weak now, i know...i shldn't meet him at all...i dun wanna make use of him to make my life easier....dun wanna hurt him....

its so tempting to make my life easier....but no...i've grown up...grown out of tt phase...i'll survive on my own...with my love from myself and my family and friends, i'll survive....

dunno...juz feel really sian....so freaking sick of studying...i dun wanna go back home...but bo pian..damn sian...dun wanna face reality....dun wan at all....

today my fwens n i were toking abt guys...then i realised tt i still cant let go of the betrayal tt i felt towards monkey in the past....its like...i dunno...
but guys definition of white lies are really screwed up....maybe not all guys, but juz monkey ba...but as i chatted wif them, the recollection of being lied to and the familiarity of shivering uncontrollably whenever something happens comes all back...feeling of shivering alone doesn't really feel good...all the more certain tt this is really the end for both of us...hate to remember those stuffs...hate to be lied at....its all juz retribution...if love is this hard, then i never wanna love again....never wanna fall in love...haven heard from him for quite some time...starting to get over him liao..(i hope)...the other day i was looking at his videos....he's so cute....then i got stuck in depressed state again....yesterday i deleted all his videos n msges...dun wanna be depressed no more....

i will get over it...i know it...i'll find someone tt wld never lie to me like he did....i will....if i can never find such a person, then i rather be alone for the rest of my life....never wanna get hurt again....never wanna feel like dying....like death is better than living.....i've so much to look forward to in life...so much love from my family and friends....my future is so bright...dint understand why i was so depressed until even consider jumping off..never in my life had i felt so terrible....so pain....deep inside....i never wanna feel pain again....dun think i'll ever manage to forget wad happened....even when i do forgive him for hurting me during the 2 yrs....i'll never forgive myself for ever considering to harm myself...its unforgivable, n i never wanna feel tt way again...i love myself too much....

hais....
i dun wanna mug anymore.....so sick of it!!!!!!!!!....realised i've developed a way of hiding my feelings from myself..sorta like a bluffing myself way...makes me numb to my own feelings and makes me have this impression tt im still happily in my perfect world...tt there'll b little monkey when i go back, welcoming me home n stuffs..everytime im stressed i juz wanna hear his voice...my friends say im too dependent on him n i think so too...since i've already made my choice i shld stick to it n try not to disturb him too much...things have been wierd...i dunno...like dun really noe wad to say to him nowadays...without him i feel like im all alone...no one to tok to abt wads going on in my head...no one to complain to when i do badly for a paper...i dun really know how to open up to my friends...they've been been complaining abt their papers or seeking consolation when they're stressed...but i can onli seem to do it towards him...n i shldn't be bugging him...i feel so bottled inside....like i wanna cry, but e tears juz wun come out..i wanna release everything but they juz wun come out...my feelings r like hidden way inside me tt i cant even seem to find them...

things will get better...i'll get better...i know it...life will b beautiful again....it sucks now though....i dun wanna go back to singapore...im scared of wad will happen to me when im without my bunch of fwens in manchester...given tt its like tt already even when im constantly being surrounded by fwens, i dunno wad will happen to me in singapore...i dun wanna go back....1 week left to going home...im dreadin it.....

now adays very hard to concentrate....dunno why...dunno what studee method suits me too...last time use to studee all the time wif little monkey...now studee wif my bunch of fwens...but dunno why, just feel really lonely....really alone..not in terms where by there's juz me n four walls...juz in terms of there's no one else, no bunch of pple, that can ever replace the comfortable warmth of the monkey's presence...

even though no one can ever replace it, at least i've got this blog...i cant seem to be able to say out my feelings...even though everyone seem to be complaining to me of not being able to studee and asking me to slap them n stuffs...they prob dun realise the one tt made e least progress in the past few days is me....but after deciding to say out abit of my feelings last nite...the response was quite comforting...my fwens are quite sweet...initially still stuck there wondering if i shld call e monkey n bother him again.......i know i shld stop disturbing him.....i just....cant seem to b able to do tt.....i havent heard from him for quite some time already...know he just stArted work yesterday...i wanna hear all abt it.....=
hais.....i feel freakin lonely....i miss the days we studied together, then slept together, then wake up and continue studeeing together..the days we went downstairs to buy food together, or when we wld help each other buy food when the other is very behind time...miss the days my monkey will attempt to wake me up...then give up or get scolded by the notti star......miss how i used to be able to disturb him and wake him up, so fun to disturb him...and he cant blame me cos he was e one tt wanted me to wake him up...=P
i miss mixed vege rice....miss it so much....hall 1's mixed vege rice....rushing there at 4pm to catch the first hot batch coming out to eat as breakfast.....it was so delicious...

i miss drinking monkey's redbull mixed wif 100plus....it used to be so nice i wld drink it just for the niceness...now here onli have redbull...nvm...gd enuff.....

i miss nescafe.....remember used to go hall 2 and buy like 12 of it...last sem buy 6 get 6 free...
6 normal one get 6 the plastic one free...
we ended up coming back wif 24 bottles/cans of coffee..=P..miss having someone to carry my groceries for me....in fact i seem kinda used to being independent liao....got a feeling tt i may like it so much i'll end up becoming a old unmarriable woman...hahaa.....nah...i dun really care...:P
i've made my decision...and i'll stick to it...at least i'll try my best yea?..:P

now its time to studee!!!....gambate yo star!!!!!!!!!!!!

its been a long looong time.....

geeee...like damn long never write blog liao...many many updates.....being in manchester have been fantastic so far...made loads of new friends....went travelling...went to spain, italy n france....drank so much i puked all over my fwen's bathroom...broke up wif lttle monkey...feel so shitty....but i still love manchester...

its e exams period now..still slacking away writing blog....im a bad star~~..=P...
sometimes i still wonder if i made e wrong choice...breaking up wif him..but..alas, its too late~...i've made e decision....dunno..but ever since i came to manchester...i've been like...on my own..wifout e protctive cover of my family, my fwens n e cute monkey....but i realise i actually kinda love it...my life have been revolving arn him for so long...realised i havent grown at all...i've lost track of who i really am....now tt i found who i am...im starting to love myself all over again...n i love it~~

i wanna do so much things...wanna learn so much things....wanna cherish my family n fwens so much more....i wanna do well...wanna get a good honors degree...i used to be just idling arn...waiting for him...but now...its my own life....and i love it...

pple say love is not someone u can live wif, but someone u cant live wifout....i havent been able to live wifout him...i still cant...i still look for him when im stressed...still wonder where he is if i havent seen him for days on e msn...i dun know what im gonna do if he shld ever disappear totally from my life...but i'll just have to live wif it....havent really dared to be in touch wif my feelings ever since i left manchester...even on e day i was leaving...i try so hard to ignore my heart..i never wanna cry again...never....in fact...my heart feels kinda stoned rite now...like so numb from everything....he still seems to be mine...seems like nothing has n will change...

i'll get over it...i know tt...i'm a very lucky gal...i've got everything a gal cld wish for...n things will get better...i know it...oh..and by the way...happy belated birthday to me!!....im 21~~!~~~!~!