my fwen's nick==>do you wonder if we make e moments in our lives or the moments in our lives make us?

we make e moments in our lives...i believe in e butterfly effect....if i dint do this, then that wun have happened, if i did this, that wld have happened...

like even for robin...if when he lied, i dint close one eye, i won't have gotten hurt...i wld have ended it earlier...it wasn't his fault actually....cos my happiness is from myself...if i ended it early...i wun have gotten hurt...instead of asking him to change..i shld have juz left...then i wun have goten hurt so many times...

i think independence is such a powerful thing....more powerful than money...if tt time i had the independence to make myself smile, i wun have gone thru all those...

i think i became alot more independent liao...alot more able to b happy le...eh..i gtg visit my grandma liao...continue later


StArStAr~~*~

today my grandma got into icu...she look so weak...
her heartbeat stopped twice..but she got resucetated..dunno how to spell...
my fwen's sis once said something when their grandma passed away....
"our parents will be next"...

eek...it sounds scary...but ya....our parents aren't as young as they used to be anymore...
muz cherish them more....dun let them work so hard anymore.....

juz got home...left work halfway and cancelled the meeting with my prof juz to go hospital...damn shagged out...yesterday onli slept 1 hr....

tml morning going back to visit her...the doc say if she gets better, monday can go for heart bypass..but the odds are onli 50% for the heart bypass operation to b successful....

dunno why when i found out she was at ICU at work i juz burst out crying...so paiseh....she had 4 heart attacks in the morning....isn't 1 heart attack very dangerous, not to mention 4, esp at her age....

i havent been a good grand daughter.....used to worry my parents n grandma so much....juz started to be nicer to her, n suddenly juz like tt....lucky i went to visit her on tues..else i'll really regret it if anything happened...on tues she was still awake and energetic, asking the maid to buy 4D and writing out the number for the maid.....i was juz smiling at the scene of it at the side of the hospital bed...suddenly juz like tt....thot she getting better liao...everyone was saying she looked much stronger than monday...yet now she is depending on machines to live on...

i was at the waiting area today....everyone's eyes were red and wet.....then my cousin and her 2 baby sons appeared....then pple started smiling and playing with the baby...its like a very strong scene of nature enacting in front of my eyes.....i dun wan nature to happen...i wanna stay a kid forever, and my parents young and energetic, and my grandma still scolding me for being rebellous...i know i sound stupid n naive....but tts wad i want....i dun wan black eyed peas, i wan carpenters....i dun wan uni, i wan sec sch....=\

k la...i go slp liao...tml leaving at 9am..muz wake up early.....@_@.....so tired...*zzz~**

StArStAr~~*~

anyway....fri was quite happenening...=P

the lead singer at DXO came down with e mic n walked arn...
then i was sitting alone nearby...then he walked over n put e mic at my mouth...then this part then e band singers dun sing then ask me to sing!...is like suddenly quiet...then onli got my voice come out...damn paiseh~~...hahaaa~

its onli a phrase anyway....more crappy stuff happened..
hahahaaa

this gal i think she was quite drunk....
again my fwens not arn....she came over n sat beside me...then ask me why i look so sad.....
i told her i got r/s prob....then we chatchat....then she say something tt sounded like "u look hurt"....then i was like...yea..im hurt...then she was like..."no...no...i mean u look hot"...then later, her face came over n she tried to kiss me mouth to mouth!!!!!

o my gawd!!!!..i siamed, she ended up kissing my chin!.....arghh!!!.......

but actually...when she kissed me....somehow it wasn't as gross as i thot it wld b kissing a girl....maybe its the effects of the graveyard,which tastes damn gross by the way....but anyway...at tt split sec i was actually wondering,if i shld juz try turning les....hahahaa.....maybe i shldn't have siamed....

if i dint siam...maybe today i'll officially b les liao....but she's not my type la...=P

oh nooo...hahahaa....im not bisexual.....maybe i've juz been on my own for quite sometime for e first time in almost 7yrs..the last time i kissed robin was sep 10th 2006 2/3am.....i prob juz missed it..hahahaa....im lousy....=X....

anyway i got a shock after tt, sms kai to quickly come back!!!......they've been gone for damn long...i took our stuff n went to find them....kai was with her ex n his fwens...then we went to find james....he was quite high...he was sleepin on e sofa n got warned by e bouncer if he sleep again he'll b chasen out...we searched for him for damn long la~~!....one hr plus....then damn kan chiong, cannot find him..waited outside e toilet for him, ask e bouncer go in help us see if he's dead drunk there..cannot find, search e club upstairs downstairs oso cannot find, go out oso cannot find....end up i sms my manchester fwens ask them help me check if he went home ardy or not n check if he's online anot....marchie say he never reply....we continued searching until the club actually closed...close liao oso cannot find....end up he wasn't in e club at all....we went out to continue finding...found him sleeping by the river......

after tt we decided to go eat bf...ate mac liao very tired, but wanna save money...juz gonna wait 1 and a half hr then got bus go home liao...but all very sleepy..so end up going to pacific plaza sleep..kena found by e security..then go hotel royal plaza sleep on sofa...kena chased out oso again....bo pian no where to slp liao...hahahaa~~*~~...finally headed home in e cab.....

the next day kai n james i think they quarreled...james say i was drunk cos i went to find e mancehster pple for help...like how wld they know where james was..kai got quite pissed cos he dint seem apologetic tt he made us worry n even say im drunk...kai defended me n scolded him n blocked him!...geee..how did things become like tt...=\

now kai n me wondering if james blocked us as well..he hasn't been online for quite sometime...abit wierd......=\

hope things will turn out alright...

StArStAr~~*~

Tutorial 1 of relationships.....

==>how to end things cleanly with ur ex wifout hurting her feelings...

after she turn mad, 2-3 hrs later then reply the following...

==>sorry, i was busy..
interpretation==>sorry, losing u has no effect on me such tt wad ever im doing cant wait n u have to wait 2-3hrs be4 i reply something decent

==>ur a very nice n good girl, the type of gf every guy is looking for..but im not a nice guy
interpretation==>u r nice, take care of me n love me like my mom loves me...but like how i treat my mom, i take u for granted, hence im not nice to u..cos i dun really love u tt much anyway

==>i really loved u
interpretation==>i don't love u now....

==>i dun have face to face u anymore
interpretation==>gently letting the girl know the guy shall not bother to look for her anymore....also puts the guy in a good light as it seems like its not tt he cant be bothered to find her, but actually he has no face to do tt....yar rite....-__-"

==>i know u hate me n i understand nothing i say will help
interpretation==>i shall fix it such tt becos i assume tt u hate me, which i know is totally untrue, i shall pretend to b sad n hence say this so tt i wun b blamed for not persuading u or coaxing u.

ok....maybe certain things to some extend could vary frm guy to guy...
but this shld b e general guideline ba....

Tutorial 2 of relationships

for ladies wise.....
==>i hate u
interpretation==>i love u

==>ur such a jerk
interpretation==>why never ask me for a patch?

==>arsh hole
interpretation==>how come until now still haven ask for patch?

==>stupid arsh hole
interpretation==>OEI...ask la!!

==>ur not a man...not proactive one...
interpretation==>u really really REALLY shld be chasing me back!!!!...*ROAR!!**

==>i miss u
interpretation==>hahahaaa...u really think so?...hmmm...maybe a teeny weeny bit la....

==>i wan a clean break
interpretation==>wake up n start running over!

==>forget it....i dun trust u....
interpretation==>wake up n hurry coax me!!

==>im happier without u...
interpretation==>cant u see im trying to convince myself? If tt was really true, i wld have said something else like "i think im not ready for anything currently"

==>i love being single!
interpretation==>same as the previous

human beings are complicated creatures......
StArStAr~~*~

i decided to stop forcing myself to get over him le......

i juz need time...i may consider patching wif him...but not be4 he has step down from his position....

this time i have to b firm abt it...

i know i've been hiding alot....reluctant to go out or move my butt....

i think i juz need time...i shldn't be forcing myself anymore..its already so hard.....

i know my happiness is not determined by anyone...no one except for myself....

i've been alone alot recently...i think i need time alone...

sometimes i feel lonely...but i chose my own route...if i choose to b alone...i very well gonna stick to it.....i choose to lose contact wif certain pple...im not a bitch....i shall not lead anyone on.....

i gonna try...try my best to be independent...more independent.....

im gonna try, surviving on my own.....being happy on my own.......

i'll emerge stronger than be4......i will not get hurt again.......

StArStAr~~*~

=(
*ROAR!!**

so sad...
i happily go IT fair..thot buy my dvd rom liao can install anti virus liao....

but my pc died on me be4 i can settle it....:'(

so sad!!!

it happened be4...but i stupidstupid never go n back up

thot will reformat my comp once i get my external hd...

hee``~*~8``...i got my external hd too btw...i love it!!!!..=X

anyway...hope like the other time, i let it rest for awhile then later it can work....

*star crosses her fingers n hope**

=D

yesterday UAN called...ask me go for audition as a singer...

i dunno leh...shld i go for it??...hahahaa~~*~~
if they feel i got potential, they will send me to hk or taiwan to train me.....

woah...good opportunity lehh...=P

but being a singer is a long forgotten dream....somemore now a days i seldom sing.....

dunno whether can make it anot...or scarly is another lemon tree case..juz like the joker eyebrow plucker...hahaa~~*~....

pork's bday tml....

happy 2nd bday!!!...this yr dunno whether will celebrate anot oso...monkey not arn anymore....so...=\

but still...happy bday!!!!!....=D

StArStAr~~*~

help!!!!...i really dunno wads wrong wif myself....haiss...
whats wif all e moodiness n everything.....
someone pls help me...i really dunno wad to do....im really sick of tearing...im sick of getting pissed off when pple i know act like robin....im sick of becoming so emotional, hiding in my room, not being able to eat, feeling hungry at times then the food come n i juz dun feel like eating le.....today....i ate one and a half prata and a few mouths of hokkien mee for e whole day.....
im scared too...

i dunno wads going wrong wif me....i really dunno......
if onli...
if onli there's someone to help me.....but no one can.....how is anyone gonna be able to help in the first place....onli myself can help myself....

i will try my best...to help myself....it has dragged on for too long le..

i have to start to stop being down le...=)


StArStAr~~*~

oh my gawd.....
latest all time low weight!!!!!!!
53.5kg!!!!!!!!!!!!
wOoHoOOO~*~*!**!!!!
shld start eating properly le....juz no appetide recently....
will start eating...dun worry...=)

StArStAr~~*~

When There Was Me And You High School Musical Cast lyrics
Artist: High School Musical CastAlbum: High School MusicalYear: 2006Title: When There Was Me And You

It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there

Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
That's coming true

But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along

But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
And once upon a song

Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true

Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Because I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind
Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

StArStAr~~*~

what r u doing now?....
i dunno....

hahahaa~~*~~....having successfully chased away 4 guys tt used to revolve arn my life at one point or another...1 guy tt i dun like...1 guy tt has been my fwen for damn long....1 guy who is e first guy i loved so much, but so scared of my ownself that i dun have e confidence for anything....and 1 guy who is quite similar to the 3rd guy...actually maybe if i gave e right signals, maybe possible one....but instead i gave him all e false signals, juz for another chance wif e 3rd guy.....hahaha...now im officially, bored....hahaha...actually got 1 more....soon he'll join e grp to become 5 guys i chased away in e period of these few mths...hahaha...then i'll be alone again..=)

hahaha...wad m i doing at home on a sat?.....we juz had mahjong....my sa fwens juz left...supposed to meet guy num 2 for his bday today.....but...i flared up at him for some reason..hahaha.....on his bday somemore...so tts y im staying at home...hahaha....=)

see...this is how i chase away pple from my life......hahahaa~~*`

anyway...mj was fun!!!..havent played wif the gals since i left for manchester~~..heeee~~*~..=D
i brought them to bishan park to play pool, casuarina to eat prata too..
we were chattin abt setting up a store together~~
=D

ali's going america to learn how to cook.....so when she comes back, work for 5 more yrs, gather $$...all of us..then we gonna open a high end cake shop...ali's e chef, shishi will do e computing stuff, the database, e website...hahahaa....yan suan will be e money manager....yun xuan will sell us/rent us the property...and she's e food taster..hahaha`~...im e marketing one....yeah~~...i love doing sales related/marketing related stuffs....

my boss is coming up wif a new project for me...
im actually quite lucky leh....im involved in so many projects i lost count of them le...
but this new one rite..im supposed to gather all e architects in singapore, all their contacts, then do advertisement to market this new product in singapore......hee~~...

hard work, but ok la..=)
still gathering their contacts..=)....

think my boss n lady boss have ### regularly....hahaha....they're like 50 odd liao leh....i think at least 55...hahahaa~..so sweet...

they're both so lucky...

u ever look at all e happy couples, married an stuck with each other for decades....and still loving...and wonder if u'll ever have it?....u ever believe in it?....

i didn't believe in it...when i was young i predicted divorcing a few times...hahahaa~*~~~....

when i was him, for a period of time, i started believing again......now...

now im more sure than ever tt it does not exist...i know i ask for too much...i know im spoilt n need alot....its not juz ur fault tt things turned out this way...its me too...n i know tt..it takes two hands to clap...sometimes i wonder, if ur not e prez, will things turn out better?....but i doubt so...guess its u ba....

n yes...the worst thing u ever did to confirm e end of our r/s, was to break e one promise u promised me last yr.....never rerun again.......i understand how impt the hall is n how this yr is impt n we shld not waste all e effort u put into it to bring up e hall.. i also understand how u cant pass it down to anyone...though there's this nagging belief in me tt u actually wanted to stay to a certain extend...hence ur subconscious ignored the nagging belief tt the particular someone wun make e mark...i shld have never agreed to u being e prez in e first place, maybe things wld have been better...

anyway its too late le...i dunno wad happened to me....suddenly very dunno wad la...keep scolding pple..hahahaa....think i become aunty liao...hahahaa...all roberta's fault!!!...whole day call me aunty...end up really become one~~......

gotta stop scolding pple le....im losing alot of fwens at this rate.....but dunno y all r guys leh.....it juz seems tt i can identify a guy's character in them tt i always find in robin...n i end up damn irritated..hahahaa~~

k laa..i go slp liao....nites~~

StArStAr~~*~

i've got my grades.....
hmmm...not fantastic..
worked really hard....expected alot more...=\
nvm.....its not counted anyway
i'll work harder next sem..=D

still trying hard to quit...
from half a pack of menthol a day become 5 a day.....then become 4 a day....
i juz bought menthol light....hopefully can become 4 menthol light a day soon...=D

today so far..2 menthol 1 menthol light....think the next time i buy i'll buy lights liao.....cos i really hate lights..so maybe i'll fag less....

by the way i lost weight again...
think soon i'll hit my ideal weight le...=D

StArStAr~~*~

i've lost him.....
really lost him le.....
its over.....
hais.....

i dunno why im feeling upset for.....i chose tt path.....
i was e one tt wanted a breakup...
after that i was e one tt wanted a clean break up....
but now....faced with e reality....tt i may really lose him forever.....
it suddenly becomes so hard....
however independent i became.....
however i can survive wif out him by my side.....
the thot of losing him forever....it still feels like shit...
i dunno whats wrong wif me....i never ask my exs for patch one...i never was so wishy washy...
and now..here i am, one min saying this thing, the next min saying another thing.....

i know im in love wif him...but i know....when i get together wif him, unless he has changed in the past few mths i was at manchester...which is highly impossible, i'll still feel tt i deserve better.....

i was looking at myself in e mirror today.....was thinking to myself.....im at my 21s....at the supposedly be at the best part of my life...every woman wanna be 21....

and yet instead of having a good time,being happy, here i am stuck in this dead end.....

i dunno wad i shld do....break up wif him oso alone.....be wif him oso alone.......wads e diff rite....think maybe i'll juz hug my pork to slp everyday...and be happy wif juz being wif my pork...=)

think he's coping well without me...i know it has been hard on him for e past 2 yrs as well....maybe this is really the onli way out ba....

bye little monkey......bye honey.....bye deardear....bye houhou......

StArStAr~~*~

yesterday i was in a very bad mood.....so a fwen brought me to the beach....on e way there......we were walking towards the beach then crossing this big pile of water...then i dunno what happened....he sort of tried to hold my hand to help me across it...but i instinctively flung it off violently...oh my gosh...i dunno if he likes me or is he juz being a gentleman who's a fwen...but if he onli treats me as a fwen then its damn paiseh la......

but which male fwen holds the girl's hands to cross the bigbig puddle one....as in like....its not on e wrist leh....its my fingers leh.......i dunno la....i juz feel wierd......

scarly he likes me....i hope not....ever since i came back to singapore....i've been feeling wierd...as though guys are acting wierdly...i thot the lily guy liked me too last time....but he's attached and stuff...n he knows i dun like him...i thot he's juz in need of a fwen n tt he's juz a gentlemen....wad e hell la....i feel like i've been like a turkey...being slowly grilled until almost cooked then pple wanna eat...but lucky i still not that dead yet, still can run on my puny legs.....

whats wif all the manipulation...all the pretending and everything...maybe i've been out of the dating world for too long.....really not used to it....insisting on coming over juz to ensure i dun smoke and confiscating my cigs.....

i felt tt there was something wierd going on, but haiss.....nvm la....managed to run wif my puny legs away...hahahaa...noo..dun get e wrong idea...he dint try anything funny...i juz dunno why..being really scared of falling in love again...n i know he's not my type.....

u know...tts wad i've been saying abt this guy n tt guy and all e guys.....maybe im the wierd one...maybe onli robin's my type....hahahaaa......wad ever la huh...its so over liao...dunno if i mentioned it....we had a clean break....i requested for it.......i think it'll be better for me....i cant continue wondering whether he still cares, whether he still loves me, whether he'll ask for a patch ever.....i'll juz have to depend on myself.......my happiness can only come from myself.....

sometimes i daydream....dream tt robin's willing to change...dream tt he wld come after me...start chasing me like last time again....n one fine day when he ask me for a patch...i'll say yes...n we'll live happily ever after...but yea...it'll never happen.....was toking to my senior another day...he told me tt on the first day we were at orientation....he already felt tt robin n i wld end up together....tt we were really compaitable.....i dun even remember talking to robin on e first day lor...in fact i dun even remember robin on e first few days of orientation camp..=X...r we really tt compaitable?....guess i'll never know..........

some times pple ask me how come robin never ask for a patch.......seriously...hahahaa...i kinda expected it....and when i told robin i wanted a clean break......i know.....we will have a clean break.....he's e type tt will believe its wad i want and let me have it....sometimes it makes me wonder if he loves me at all...not fighting for us....but....its juz him ba....he's not proactive at all...one of the points i really dislike abt him....but yea.....i rather tell him i wan a clean break...to force it on us...rather than me trying to control not finding him.....it wld be easier....given tt he's sooooo not proactive not a shit wld ever happen and we wld juz keep draggging it...wads wrong wif him ar....cant he make up his own mind....if he wan then pounce over la...if dun wan then ignore me lorr...wads wrong wif him trying to be all responsible n wanting to take care n help me but not doing any shit....wads the freaking point rite...end up oso i have to make the move to decide to stop things.....wah lao....

sometimes i oso dunno wad i wan....here there's a guy tts willin to do all the stuff i wan robin to do, so much better looking than robin....and i dun like him at all.....wads wrong wif me.....im sure this guy will treat me well.....but i dun like him at all....wads wrongggggg..................got a feeling i'll die alone as a spinster....hope by then i'll still have my fwens arn....

StArStAr~~*~

my blog entries have been rovolving arn him...cos i kinda need an outlet for my troubles....but actually....my life have been quite interesting...heee~~*~`...

fell down the stairs yesterday.....we went out u see....to go eat nasi padang...ate wif our hands...first time!!!...hahahaa....felt abit wierd though...keep getting rice stuck in my nails...yuck~~..hahaha....then anyway, the food was really good...=D......anyway yea....i fell down e stairs.....now my butt hurts like mad.....yea...anyway robin juz msned me.....feel like shit now.....going to sleep....will continue later...
bye....

StArStAr~~*~

fri got quite high......
texted robin told him i miss him....
i feel lousy now.....
hais...feel freaking lousy......
anyway..i texted him ask him to fetch me....
he say he at some gathering now...he not free.....
i gave up le...
yesterday onwards
totally gave up....
deleted his msn, friendster,phone num.....
guess its time to totally finally get over it n move on wif my life...

guess i havent mentioned it...but as it turns out the lily guy like me...gee....=\
so i lost a fwen......avoiding him now.....juz feel kinda awkward.....

hais....monkey..its really over le....=\
guess he'll never give me what i wan....wad i need......he went for a gathering....in e midst of it i texted him saying i miss him n stuff....i was abit high...i was going back on my own....i ask him to come n fetch me...he say he not free....he's at a gathering.....

so i went back myself...decided never to ever consider getting back together liao...cos no...he'll never change.....whether he's still wif me or he's not, whether he loves me or he doesn't....i dun care liao...cos he'll never put down whatever he's doing....juz for me.....

i'll never call him when i go home late in e night again...i used to believe tt if anything shld happen to me, he'll drop everything n rush over...but seriously...what if he's at a gathering again?..he wun b free leh...i rather call other pple tt will care lor.....

on friday nite...i sat the nightrider back alone...fell asleep on the bus...
lucky woke up in time to get down...then sit a cab back home....

robin'll never b e guy tt can make me happy...i need so much more than wad he can offer...there's pple that can run out in the middle of his office meeting....mind u not IA but real job....juz to quickly drive over and run across the road, juz to meet me....there're pple tt can come in the wee hours of the morning, come once i call n say i need cigs, come late at nite and wait for an hour or so....there're also pple tt can come when i need a fwen...reach in half n hours time, drive me over to e beach, and accompany me look at the stars.....robin will never do tt.....im not saying i need all these...im juz saying.....that i shld juz give up...cos robin....he'll never give up anything for me....not the hall....not his life...nothing....never feel impt to him.....who knows my feelings have juz been one sided.....

its ok...i dun care anymore.....

StArStAr~~*~